Regaining your Identity after Motherhood in Los Angeles

My nine-year-old loves asking me questions about favorites. What’s your favorite food, favorite color, favorite memory about childhood, favorite music right now… The last one really had me at a standstill: favorite music…it feels like I haven’t chosen a song in ten years. Every time I sit down in the car, my choices are between Frozen and Frozen 2 since most of the time, I’ve got a very picky four-year-old with me. I can honestly say for the last decade my indifference to myself has barely moved the meter, but as of late I feel I’m doing a disservice to my two sons when I show them a colorless woman they’ve come to know as a short order cook, housekeeper, and driver – with no evident passions of her own except to keep theirs alive. This might sound extreme, but having no favorite music would have been criminal to my teenage self…and it feels like she’s screaming at me to wake up. In honor of Women’s History Month, here’s little something about Regaining your Identity after Motherhood in Los Angeles.

Don’t Be Afraid to Be Loud

Anyone who has boys knows they don’t like school. They don’t care about praise or approval, like the majority of girls, and they hate sitting down. So when you’re a boy mom, you tend to spend most of your week trying to get your kids to go to school with the least amount of complaining. Gently reminding them of how good it is to learn, socialize, and stay quiet for six hours a day. By the time they get to Friday, there is nothing they want to do other than be home, and a parent’s tank is often emptied out of good reasons to leave the house unless there is a required extracurricular activity. While a good date night is a reliable outlet, it’s yet another excuse for kids to miss out on seeing what makes their parents tick – and I think a small part of them actually cares about that.

On this particular Friday, when I began to feel like a half-erased stick figure in a black and white 80s music video, I prepped my older son on the way to school that there would be activity in the evening, and it would be cultural in nature. He threw his head back angrily and pounded the seat, “Mom, I just want to come home and relax!” But then I let out the five little words that can make a kid stop in their tracks: This is important to me. A stunned face looked back at me in silence with a simple nod. There wasn’t much to argue with after that. We’d be going to The Norton Simon Museum’s Friday Free night…because it was actually important to Mom.

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Quiet

“Mom, why are you sitting here?” asks a slightly distressed four-year-old. “Mommy’s meditating,” I replied. The child then begins to push the right side of my body, “Mom, there’s no room for me on this chair.” “That’s right, I reply without opening my eyes and in my gentlest voice, “This is a chair just for Mommy until the timer goes off. Can you close the door on your way out? You can even take the timer with you.” At that, I hear the pitter-patter of small fleshy feet leaving my sanctuary with a big iPad timer clutched in his hands. Somehow, both of us are in control of our destiny at that moment.

Discovering the Ipad Timer has become one of my favorite tools for getting a few moments of stillness in my day. This works best if you have another adult in the house because then you can truly bliss out without worrying that your kids might be playing with power tools in the other rooms. Seeing a timer march down to zero offers a visual to children that might not otherwise understand what it really means in clock time when Mommy needs five minutes to be alone.

The best part is that the more you repeat your alone time ritual, the less you have to use the timer. Silence and stillness also lead to much gentler parenting.

Shout Out Yourself When Everything Feels Just Right

What’s your Favorite Moment of the Day is a nightly dinner ritual that I started a while back in our house. I guess my oldest son’s penchant for favorites didn’t just appear out of nowhere :). And I used to make it about praising my kids. My favorite moment of the day was about them somehow. Some moments where they pushed themselves to new heights, and I noticed. This isn’t just a maternal thing, either. Even my husband feels guilty if his favorite moment of the day has nothing to do with the rest of us. But what are we teaching our young boys? Mainly that their parents have nothing to do all day except wait for them to do something! We also might unknowingly be dissolving their sense of accomplishment for self’s sake. If a child does something kind, and no one is there to watch it, does it make a sound?

One of the best things I’ve done lately is shout out myself at the end of the day. “Mom’s favorite moment of the day was when she finished an article.” Which my oldest son usually follows up with, “That’s so cool, Mom. When I grow up I want to have a job just like you.”

Perhaps we’re seen more than we realize…